Relationship Expert Dr. Michelle Callahan Dishes on Dating Types
Okay so we’ve all had a time in our lives when we felt like we needed to lay on somebody’s couch and talk. Talk about all the things that have gone wrong in our lives. Talk about our jacked-up relationships and ask that question, “What’s wrong with me?” Well, Dr. Michelle Callahan will tell you, “there’s nothing wrong with you that can’t be fixed.” LiveSteez had a chance to talk with Dr. Michelle about her book, “Are You Ms. Typed.” In her book she describes all the twisty-turny personality quirks that women often encounter while trying to find “the one.” But be warned, she keeps it real and will let you know, “you need to take some time to yourself and figure this thing out.” While it hurts to hear the truth, that’s all you’re going to get from Dr. Michelle, so brace yourself, and get ready to get down to the nit and grit of who you are, not who circumstances have made you!
LiveSteez: Your book is a genius! What inspired you to write “Ms. Typed?” What sparked the motivation?
Dr. Michelle: Thank you! It was kind of two things, I was in between television and, you know, my own clients and radio. Talking to a lot of women about relationships, and they were always saying “this guy did this” and “this guy did that” and “how do I make this guy do this?” And I say to them, you can’t control what the guy is doing, you can only control what you’re doing. And so, that was part of the initial idea, which was how to help women figure out what they can do differently. Like get over the whole idea of trying to manipulate a man into becoming what you want. Start at the beginning by controlling the situation as much as you can. Which goes back to how are you behaving, what are you thinking, what are you coming into the relationship with and what are bringing to the table? This helps set the stage for dating. And then when I thought about that, I thought about the second issue, which is a lot of times women don’t come to the table being their true selves, they come to the table pretending to be the type of person they think the guy wants them to be. And that’s how you end up being “Ms.Typed,” sometimes you’re doing it on purpose and sometimes you’re not doing it on purpose, it’s just a result of what you’ve been through. So if you’ve had bad relationships, bad dating and family relationships, if you’ve had difficult times or problems in your life, sometimes you build wall around yourself, you have a lot of emotional baggage, you don’t trust people. You think you have to move in a certain kind of way to be successful, see, not even being your best self. You’re not being you on your best day, you’ve become who your circumstances have created. That’s how I came up with the concept of being “Ms. Typed.” A lot of us have been out there dating and it didn’t work out and you go “why doesn’t this person like me?” And it’s like, because you weren’t being you, they didn’t meet you, they went out on a date with angry girl from wherever, who just broke up with somebody and thinks every man is about to cheat on her. As opposed to this wonderful happy person that’s hiding inside that may feel afraid to come out and allow herself to love again.
LiveSteez: Wow, that’s deep.
Dr. Michelle: It is deep. I really feel like it’s true for so many women and it was important for me to write the book because I didn’t want women to feel bad about that and I didn’t want them to think that they were their circumstances. So you know, I always tell people to figure out what their type is. Your dating type is not like your blood type. So just because you’ve been dealing with this stuff. Let’s say you’re somebody’s second girlfriend or mistress and in your head you going, “why does this happen to me? Why is this ALWAYS to me? How did I get in this place? I know I deserve better. Yet, somehow I keep tolerating this.” There’s always this little voice inside of your head that saying, “this isn’t right. Why are you doing this? Why are you putting up with this? What, you feel like you don’t have any options?” That why I wrote the book to say don’t feel bad about that. You have options. It takes time. But start by recognizing that you’re doing it and that you need to stop. And here are some of the reasons why you’re doing it. That it’s not who you are, it’s what you’re doing. And you can be that person you want to be once you stop what you’re doing and start doing and thinking something different.
LiveSteez: That’s heavy. There are so many things that you talk about that we’d like to touch on. For starters, do you think that there’s a healthy amount of time women should take to themselves before dating after a break-up?
Dr. Michelle: Yea, I do think women should take like three to six months to kind of chill out and date. When I say date, I mean date if you want to, but don’t jump back into a relationship. Some women are serial daters that go from one boyfriend to the next boyfriend and they never take the time to be single and enjoy dating. So I would say a good three months without dating anyone but a minimum of one month. Give yourself some time. Some people go from one relationship to the next. And men do it all the time to distract themselves. They don’t want to be home lonely; they don’t want to be depressed. The first thing they do is go out looking for another girl. But that doesn’t works as well for women, because the usually have their feelings caught up in the last relationship and they drag that right into their new relationship. Until you figure out what was wrong with the last one and until you process it so that you’re no longer dealing with it emotionally, you just take it right in with the new guy. So you need that time. And one of things that I put in the book is called the “Ms. Type Makeover Kit.” So for every type I give specific advice. But then there are people who really need a full on makeover, a couple of tips is not going to be enough for them, because they’ve been something the wrong way for too long. It’s a part of their lifestyle, like it’s a part of where they go, who their friends are a part of how they might dress. The identity of the way they live. The makeover, I think, is ideal for someone who just went through a break-up and really needs to rethink their life. Because sometimes we integrate that other person into so many aspects of our lives. We share friends. We share living space. In some cases, we share money. You share so much but then when you’re trying to start over, and break-up with that person, you really need to take a step back and look at your life and figure out what kinds of things I might be doing encourage me to be in this situation. So like if you’re someone who’s always dating players and you’re always at a club and that’s where you’re meeting these kinds of people, well hello? That could have something to do with it. Or if you’re always dating men who seem really controlling, when you step back and think about it, there’s always a financial situation where he’s got all the money. Or you’re always the one that needs a little bill paid here or he’s buying you everything you need. You’ve got to figure out a way to stand on your own two feet. All that information is in the makeover kit, where you stop and you say, “let me look at every aspect of my life. My health, my finances, my career, my education. Where do I need to make changes that will reduce the vulnerability that I find in all my relationships?” Depending on your dating type, you have different kinds of vulnerabilities. Some people’s are more emotional and psychological, while others are more practical, they’re about money. For example, somebody will say, “hey, I can’t break up with this guy because I’m living with this guy and I drive his car, he pays my tuition, he pay my bills,” and what have you. You need a permanent solution, otherwise you’re going from one guy who takes care of you to the next. A lot f times that guy might be a controlling and abusive kind of person, who look for women who have financial needs. So the make up kit is for someone who knows they need to get a hold of things and knows they need to take concentrated to think about how they got to where they are.
LiveSteez: What type of research did you have to do to come up with the different types?
Dr. Michelle: Wow, you know, I’ve been doing research on relationships for about 15 years. So I’ve been collecting information that helps support this from survey research, interviews, quantitative analysis, some from my clients, the many many women that I’ve talked to on television shows for the past seven years, between the Tyra Show, Ricki Lake. Spending concentrated time on these shows with so many different women, you start to see patterns and similarities. The problems come up over and over again. The same questions come up over and over again. LiveSteez: So there really is a science to dating? Dr. Michelle: There is! There’s just certain things that we fall into, putting a name on it and putting it into a type helps people psychologically understand. People like to organize their thoughts. Putting things into categories and explaining things to them in that way then they go, “Okay, that makes sense. I get it. That’s what I do, got it.”
LiveSteez: In your studies do you find that certain ethnicities are more of a certain type? Black women in particular?
Dr. Michelle: We are all the types in the book. But I think some of the types we’re particularly vulnerable to. One is “Ms. Mom,” and that’s because she’s a woman who often puts other people ahead of herself and take care of others. I think so many of us have grown up in families and communities where we’re taught to be nurturing and always helping out your neighbor and your third and fourth cousin or people you have to help out. Somebody who is raised by a grandmother or an aunt. There’s always these people around you who helped out. We’ve learned to be community oriented and communal with our things. What happen when a woman meets a guy, who’s kind of down and out, then you have the issue of the number of available black men to date. You meet a guy who’s always in progress and you think “okay, this is cool. I’ll help him get to where he need to go and then we’ll balance at some point.The problem is “Ms.Mom” never asks for the balance, she’s always helping, doing everything for him, taking care of him, caring for him and it never balances out. What happens is he never has to reciprocate because you’re always giving and never receiving. He’ll just keep on taking, so why should he do things if you’re going to do them? Like if you always cover the rent then he doesn’t have to worry about paying his share. If you’re like, “oh, I got it,” then he can always be like “oh, okay then, get it. Do that, and keep on doing that.” You can’t buy love, as much a you try. You know, you try and be sweet and it doesn’t work. I think another one that effects us, and every type of woman, is “Ms. Second Place.” Some women allow themselves to be second in a man’s life, often time we’re second in line to other women, but often times you could be second to his job, his friends, to playstation. A relationship with you is not his priority. It’s your priority, but not his. Instead of being able to walk away from that and say “fine, I don’t want to date somebody like you.” You’ll wait in line behind whomever or you’ll date a man even though you know he has a wife or a girlfriend. Or you know he’s dating other people but you think he’s going to change his mind and put you first at some point and wait around for that to happen. But it never happens.
LiveSteez: Is it possible to be more than one type?
Dr. Michelle: Oh my gosh, yes! You can be “Ms. Mom,” you can be “Ms. Second Place,” you can be “Ms.Drama Queen.” Because there’s so many things that you learn over time that kind of all come together. Not only is he seeing someone else, you’re being super sweet, you may be acting like his sex machine, you’re giving up the sex too soon because you’re thinking that will turn him on. Sometimes you’re trippin’ a little being “Ms. Bag Lady,” because you’ve been through this so many times before, but you’re still trying. You can definitely be more than one type at one time. The way the book is laid out is in chapters based on your type. But what you do is you take a quiz, and then out figure out which types you are. You can read chapters on the types you know you are but you can be different types at different times in your life. You know, we grow with our experiences so sometimes you master one kind of relationship issue, now you’re on another one. You know what I mean? Like nobody’s perfect at this stuff, it’s a learning process. That’s why I recommend that women date. I always discourage women from trying to move so quickly to settle down to trying to lock down that first person. Keep dating, don’t limit yourself to that one guy you really like and not date anyone else. There’s certain things your mother can try tell you, your sister and best friend can tell you but you won’t know until your hear is broken and you’ve lived through that experience. You need to kiss a few frogs before you find your prince. You need to date different types of men to find what really know works for you. The perfect looking guy maybe what you want, but not what you need. You know like a guy can tell you, “I’m not really into dating. I’m not looking for a relationship. I’m not looking for a girlfriend.” But then the girl’s like, “I’ll show him. I can change him. Because when he sees how great I am…I can cook. I’m great in bed. I’ll do his laundry. Then I’ll teach him to love again.” No. It doesn’t work. If you allow him, he will show you what he’s really about! If you take what he says on the surface that sounds good and ignore the bad. You’ll ignore him saying he’s not into relationships and that he has commitment issues. But then you counter it with, “but we have so much fun. We went to a club, he took me to dinner and pulled out the chair, and he bought me rose from the guy on the street. [Laughs] Women can be very romantic and we get excited about the little gestures. Men are masters at studying women and understanding what a woman needs to hear to unlock her box, okay? That could be the heart box or whatever. Whatever key he needs to get her open, he will say it. If she’s a church-going woman, then he’ll say he goes to church and he’s a Christian and his pastor said this and that. Whether that’s true he may not admit it, but if he knows to say T.D. Jakes and Juanita Bynum, he’s in. Then he can pick the career person, then he’ll talk about his company and how he reads Black Enterprise, then he’s “cool, I’m in.” Men will say what you need to hear. So you need to wait long enough for them to show you. It’s all about encouraging women to know and feel confident that whatever situation they’re in, they can get out of it. A lot of women have been unlucky over time and they really start to think “there’s something wrong with me.” There’s nothing permanently wrong with you, there maybe just some mistakes that you’re making in dating, you maybe making some poor choices, but there’s nothing wrong with you that can’t be fixed.
LiveSteez: I know we’re running short on time but we have just one more question, are you going to write a “Mr. Type” for men?
Dr. Michelle: Man, everybody keeps asking me that! I would love to write one for guys because they need it too! The funny thing is in the book I actually do talk about different types of guys. For each woman’s type, I talk about the type of guy she’s vulnerable to. So like, “Ms. Mom” is very vulnerable to a guy called “Mr. Under Construction,” because he’s that guy where when you meet him he’s always under construction. He claiming he’s getting ready to be something great. Like he’s in school for this and he’s going to start his own business doing this or he’s always about to move into a really nice apartment, he’s about to buy a car, he’s about to get a new job, you know, he’s always ABOUT to do something big, right? And we all know this guy, he steals our heart, cause we get excited about his dream. But he’s been about to do that for about three of four years now, you just didn’t know because you just met him. But he’s been about to everything for a while. So in the book I do talk about guy types, so I’ve been thinking about maybe writing it up. But you know what the problem is? Men aren’t as focused as women are on improving themselves.
LiveSteez: Would you recommend men read this book? Or should this be our little secret?
Dr. Michelle: I absolutely recommend men read this book, because a lot these things, they’re causing and they should care. There are all kinds of ways they can support and learn more about women, that emotional side. Men understand how to get to a woman, how to get a woman to have sex with him and how to manipulate them to get what they want, but they don’t understand what makes women tick beyond manipulation. Like what woman are really made of. I think it would help men gain a certain kind of appreciation for how much woman really are trying to accommodate him in a relationship. How important relationships are to women. So it would be helpful for them to gain a better understanding of women entirely.
Related posts:
Sex and the City 2 is Filming in New York
The Alchemist
Fact 5
Movie Review: Last Chance Harvey